Thinking and Thinking and well thinking i guess

Yo! sooooo i kinda have a problem of writing these at times when i should be asleep, my insomnia can get pretty bad but using screens deffinately isnt helping haha. Anyhow regarding this entries title today im just going to talk about the things that stick out in my brain, well theres going to be other stuff too but mainly that.

Soooo since i tend to have alot of time to myself sometimes i get into a kind of... sad loop i guess thats also some depression but i really feel like i need to be more proactive in doing things, liiiike i havent done any real drawing sessions in awhile.. why is that? i love drawing, well im not sure myself probably (again) depression but i feel like i have good things in my life especially right now so it confuses me but brains can just be like that i shouldnt be too hard on myself for it, though again i do need to be more proactive about it!

Onto something else... i really gotta start working on my voice, its one of the main sources of my dysphoria as of late uh oh! transgender talk! Its just it is something that takes actual time to work on and im so embarassed to like? exist? like i know my partner would not get annoyed at me voice training while they are around but, because of how ive grown up (i think) i just have this really bad problem with doing anything around anyone. Its like if i get noticed enjoying myself or doing something something bad will happen... im not sure how to explain it otherwise.. OH also gotta get a blood test for my levels whoopsie late on that. Anyway going back to voice training, ive saved alot of resources and im telling myself im going to start within the next week, so you better do it bonnie!

This blog is pretty self centered huh i mention that alot though oops well if you ever wanted to get to know some random person on the internet here you go! I personally think its an autism thing where i just overshare but at the same time when im actually talking i go to share things and then i just stop myself and have to do a song and dance before i say what i wanted to say from the beginning, autism or trauma your pick lol.

OKAYY time to be more positive though id say that last paragraph was mostly neutral but whaateva. Positive things right now for me would probably be seeing the umamusume movie, that falls into the category of spenting time with my partner, which most positive things in my life tend to fall into haha. I talk about it alot but i really just love them so much, they bring me so much joy and light into my life. Ok sorry thats probably annoying to read about since you arent me but TOO BAD, sometimes im just gonna gush about the love of my life and noone can stop me.

Now i actually do have things that make me happy that arent purely specific to my partner. Like i have a good group of friends to talk to aswell and creating and tinkering things move my mind in such a nice way, im very bad at programming but i keep doing it maybe one day ill be able to be good at it but until then i will make simple code blocks with trains in transport tycoon for fun. Speaking of fun something that is probably only fun to me i really want to just like do a flight in flight simulator 95 because of course the autistic trans girl is also into planes yupp you got me, Sorry its just really satisfying to do an entire flight without blowing up and the game from the mid 90s that is trying to look realistic really tickles my brain i love the look of it.

I hope you enjoyed reading this essay as mu- wait im not in 6th grade, ANYWAY i hope you enjoyed this look? into how my brain is working at the moment, thanks so much for reading the next one might be longer than a day break lol but i dont know its just fun. Will definately be less just about me though sooooo seeya!